THE DEATH RATTLE OF FATAL BERT

EVERY MORNING NOON AND NIGHT

2011-05-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

THIS GIRL IS SICK SEND HELP

2011-03-08T19:16:00.001-08:00

SMALL PHOTOS OF SUCCULENTS GRAFTED INTO APRICOT TREE

2011-02-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

IS THERE ANYTHING THIS MAN CAN'T DO

2011-02-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

Noted polymath Connor O'Sullivan levitates in Shanghai. February 2011. photo: David Nichols

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU BABY GIRL

2011-02-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

post redacted

PLEASE ADVISE

2011-02-11T11:02:00.000-08:00

WHEN I WAS TWENTY NINE IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR

2011-01-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

1930's Kay Kraft guitar, now passed down 4 generations of my family.

YOU GOING TO GO ON A LONG JOURNEY

2011-01-07T09:30:00.000-08:00

You going to go on a long journey.
You going to travel across the pond
and have plenty of children.
And everything you think about today
is not going to end up being
the way you think of it.
The cross you bear
is the cross you choose to bear.
--Mother Catherine Seals

TOP 3 SENTENCES OF THE YEAR 2010 FROM MY LANDLORD LOL

2010-12-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

It's that time for year end lists. This one is inspired by the timely arrival of an effusive christmas card from my landlord, who I enjoy greatly even with his frequent use of LOL, whether in emails, in person, or putting pen to paper. I present to you, decapitalized and out of context, the top 3 sentences of the year 2010 from my landlord. LOL

3. share the winnings LOL

2. love you guys! but i'm not sure who is who LOL

1. yes I will be gentle LOL

CASSETTE TAPES: SET ADRIFT ON MEMORY BLISS PART ONE

2010-12-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

>when my family went to africa to visit my brother, we got to his village on the last night of ramadan. After 2 days spent in airports in 4 countries, crazy taxis and a taxing cross desert off-highway bus ride, we arrive. It being the last night of ramadan; the party goes all night with the sounds of drums and dancing echoing across the sub-sahara. Come the middle of the night, I am having trouble sleeping due to jet lag and this incessant drumming when I hear this wild nearby chorus of brays and begin to rise. Tiptoe-ing from my cot out the door into the moonlit courtyard I then peer over the courtyard wall. The drums had worked a group of local donkeys into a knot of ravaged fornicating beasts. Oh how my eyes grew as there were at least 15-20 donkeys circling in this fucking frenzy. What a racket. I tried to wake my family to show them but nobody was having it so I did the only thing I could think to do and that is record the audio on a cassette tape. (now lost.)

--toby

MAMA MADE A BUNTCAKE

2010-11-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

pics trazmick 2010

I SAID I LIKE IT MORE EVERY TIME

2010-10-25T11:56:00.001-07:00

Classic wu-tang raps mashed up over classic king tubby dub beats. Win Win.

download it

01 Intro
02 Brooklyn Battle Axe
03 Money Rules Everything Around Me
04 Method Man Meets Fat Man
05 Pinky Ring Brand New
06 Dubbing It Raw
07 Triumph Over Babylon
08 Criminology Movement
09 Earth Cries For The Grassroots

MEMORABLE SANDWICHES THRU SPACE AND TIME

2010-10-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

Fried Fish on white bread with tartar sauce. 45 minute line and worth it. Louisville, Kentucky. Fish shack near Lisa’s Oak Street Lounge.

Cuban flatbread sandwich, ham, cheese, dijon mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomato. Tampa, Florida. Small sandwich stand in a cavernous old mall half-filled with flea market.

Datwich. Bloomington, Indiana. Dat's. They have one sandwich. This is it.

Depth charge pizza sandwich. Hagerstown, Indiana. Dale’s Pizza.

Mission dog. The first one left me shuddering in rapture. Follow-up attempts have come up short, but I know what I felt that day.

Open-faced egg sandwich on toasted english muffin w/ horseradish and parmesan. Glass of milk. San Francisco, CA. White breakfast.

Soprasetta, fresh motzarella, lettuce, tomato, dijon mustard on a dutch crunch roll. San Francisco, California. Molinaris. 100 year old Italian deli. Columbus & Vallejo.

On the bubble:
The Tim Hicks Signature Model from the Berkeley Bowl
street meat sandwich served in newspaper, Ouagadougo, Burkina Faso
the old Upland Shrimp Po'Boy
Wayne County 4-H Fair Ribeye
Scully's Market Hall masterpieces

MY FRIENDS DO AWESOME STUFF: IF IT DON'T WORK GET A BIGGER HAMMER

2010-09-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

Modoc. Off the map. CTRL F to find its name on the rice paper of history's pages. Salmon eaters, Klamath river folk, the trinity forests, or Indiana, where locals can be heard muttering in an unintelligible french dialect. Shore's garage where they work magic. I was following my friend and architect Luke Davis down the backroads toward the county line where he has a cabin in progress. Turning into an unmarked grass lane at the end of a hayfield and stopping to set my beer on top of the car to open a metal gate which I hastily close so all the cows don't get out of the pasture and eat the alfalfa. Its still a ways from here. For photos, i'll need the daylight. For now, Luke and I are content to drink a whiskey on the big porch and listen to freshly weaned calves bawling for milk.

Throughout the midwest, many doze and burn the decaying barns, outbuildings and corncribs of yesteryear because it's easier and cheaper to raze and rebuild than worth it to fix what's wrong. Seen through different eyes and refashioned; there is a lot of life left. Conceptually, Luke Davis' Rural Reuse Project simply champions utilizing the materials that we have around us. Physically, it began with assessing and acquiring materials and location and drawing plans for the cabin based on the amount of and specific materials he could gather and how it could naturally fit into the landscape. Luke's approach shows value where others see waste. Upon viewing the cabin, you get the idea that applying the same approach to a variable set of materials and location would yield similar successful results but look and feel entirely different.

The material gathered includes well seasoned and rock solid lumber from a corncrib and a haymow; replaned by Davis at the Ball State architectural facilities in Muncie, a cache of leftover telephone poles, and windows and doors salvaged from construction project. Luke baled the straw, which sealed in the adobe within the planed wood walls has an insulation value of R-60, nearly double some states' standards. The width of the bales lends itself to deep wooden window wells. The whole thing has been made possible by the nail gun, which trimmed the three handed job of holding the board, the nail, and the hammer down to a manageable two hands. The cabin is well designed and livable, full of light, unexpected storage, cement countertops and pleasing angles. The location is a site far from view in one of his family's cashrent cattle pastures where the grassed terrain rolls subtly and sways in the first pew of a congregation of shade trees. There are houses within a mile but you cannot see them nor their lights. The telephone poles used to set the cabin were left untopped and fit in seamlessly with the surroundings as if they were just another treetop and from the front, the land gently spills out from under the big porch. Secluded. No light pollution. And you can see all the stars.

items tabled until the next meeting:
bird banjo 002
recap of pork adventure
the blog baby
nashville knives t-shirts
you had your chance
zen ben
is hip hop bigger than the govt?

NEW KITCHEN RULES

2010-09-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

Guests of Guests are not allowed to invite Guests.

ATTENTION PEOPLE WHO WANT ATTENTION

2010-07-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Fun is underfoot. On July 16th, TV Mike and the Scarecrowes are pumped about joining Sean Hayes as the musical guests at Kata Rokkar's Snob Theater, a comedy show hosted by Shawn Robbins. On the Mic: Miles K, Coree Spencer, Loren Kraut and Dave Thomason. On the ones and twos: Sean Hayes and TV Mike and the Scarecrowes. Acoustic music, electric comedy. $1 off drink tickets will be provided for nearby bars. Alabama chicken what.

BUY TICKETS
Friday July 16th at the
Dark Room Theatre
2263 Mission St
9:30
$10
all ages

Also, TV Mike has another awesome all ages show Thursday July 22nd as part of the summer concert series at the beautiful Redwood Grove in UC Berkeley Botannical Gardens. Joining us performing and warming up for his Outside Lands gig will be old friend, fellow hoosier, longtime listener, first time caller Quinn Deveaux and his Blue Beat Review. Nestled in the redwoods, surrounded by thousands of plants from nearly every continent, a light dusting of the golden early evening hours, Quinn Deveaux, TV Mike and the Scarecrowes. Word.

HOW TO GET THERE

Thursday July 22nd at the
Redwood Grove at UC Berkeley Botannical Gardens
5:30-7 pm
$15, $12 for members
Children under 5, free; 5-17, half-price

And with a bullet: We're headed back to Indiana. TV Mike and the Scarecrowes are playing with Todd Snider at Upland Brewing Company for their 2nd annual Hillbilly Haiku, a benefit for the Sycamore Land Trust on Friday September 3rd. Come hoist a dragonfly or five with us and maybe we'll all saunter outback like the days of yore. I've played in the brewery, in the dining room, on the patio and this will be the first time on the big stage. After Todd Snider's set; I'll be rounding up the Nashville Knives for a late night bluegrass set(s) at Max's Place. I can't think of any people I'd rather pick with and I've bit off damn near all my fingernails in anticipation. We're gonna have some special guests and a hell of a good time. The Scarecrowes are rounding out our trip with shows in Indianapolis, Louisville, Cincinnati, and THE NEEDMORE ROOTSENANNY. That's right folks I said it. Put on your headlamp. We are ready to come hangout and play with all you brown county folks and give Trav a hard time. Get ready for the Zion Starship.

Friday September 3rd
Upland Brewing Company presents
Todd Snider
with TV Mike and the Scarecrowes
and the Elly Maze
BUY TICKETS
$20 advance, $25 DOS
6-11 PM
350 W 11th St

Late Show
Friday September 3rd
The Nashville Knives
Max's Place
11 PM
$5

EMERGENCY BLUEGRASS UPDATE>
Do not attempt to adjust your radio, there is nothing wrong. We have taken over as to bring you this special show. If you've read this far and you are in the Bay Area on the evening of Tuesday July 13th ( and I know that culls the herd), come out to Mojito's in North Beach 9:30 or thereafter for an Emergency Bluegrass Update. With Montana Slim's Brent McClain and Turi Hoiseth on mandolin and fiddle, rounded out with Jesse Poteralski and Matt Lauer (yes, that Matt Lauer) on guitar, Tom Widgert on bass and myself on banjo; we will bringing it to you on the fly. I see a taco and a Tecate in your future. Hope to see some of you soon.
< END EMERGENCY BLUEGRASS UPDATE

Tuesday July 13th
Mojito's
1337 Grant Ave
9:30 pm

TXT MSG OF THE DAY: JAM ECONO

2010-05-15T17:35:00.000-07:00

rcv'd May 15 5:27 PST from 812-xxx-xxxx

"I have a simple formula to problem solving with only subpoint:

(1) identify needs
(2) identify resources
(3) connect needs with resources

Subpoint: when a lack of resources exists, change perception in order to create resources. Resources can always be created."

EVERYDAY I WORK ON THE ILLINOIS RIVER

2010-04-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

I found this while researching the Hartford tune "Smoke, Shit, & Fuck," and decided it was worthy of a repost. I'm not even sure who wrote it, but I really enjoyed reading it and i'm glad whoever wrote it went to the trouble to put it on the internet.

STORY TIME!

"I am writing this to help me remember and to share with others what transpired on September 25th 1999, the date of John Hartford's appearance at the "River of Time" 1800’s era re-enactment event that is held in Veterans Park in Bay City, Michigan. The show was excellent, the weather was excellent, John and his band played on the front porch of a log cabin that's in the park, built in the early 1800's. Every one of his shows is different; he played songs relevant to the theme of the event, old time songs, a French-Canadian folk song, and his own compositions that pertain to heritage and rivers. I had seen him play the night before in Ann Arbor in addition to four other times, the first being in March of 1998. I have been a fan of his since the 1970's when I was in college.

I became involved by suggesting to the event chairman that John Hartford would be a great addition to the entertainment program of the "River of Time". After contacting his agent, Keith Case & Associates, and passing the information on to the event chairman and then passing "River of Time" information on to John Hartford at one of his concerts, I had become somewhat of a liaison between John Hartford and the "River of Time" committee.

I had offered Hartford use of a vehicle to get around town while they were in Bay City. After the performance he took me up on the offer. The only van available on short notice was the one I was driving, I told Bob Carlin, who also acts as their road manager in addition to playing the banjo (Mike Compton, mandolin, and Larry Perkins, bass, are the drivers of the bus), that they were more than welcome to use it or I could drive them. He said if you're going to drive us you're going to join us for dinner!

We discussed where to eat, they wanted a really good meal, a nurse who attended the concert (who at the time happened to be massaging John's knee, that's a story in itself, the band performed sitting down because of John's bad knee) suggested Cafe Appareil, a local 5 star restaurant, John said "I love French food!" it was decided.

I called the restaurant to reserve a table, the soonest they could accommodate us was 8:00, it was 6:20, I explained the situation, "3 time Grammy Award winner wants a good meal before leaving town", still it was 8:00. I checked with another restaurant (a 3 star) that could handle us right away, I then informed Bob Carlin, who checked with John, who said he would wait 'till 8:00pm. I called the restaurant back and informed them that we would take the 8:00 table, I also forewarned them of dress code violations, jeans etc ... they said, "as long as the jeans were not ripped and they are wearing polo type shirts aren't they? And we do have a no smoking rule, and no hats are allowed." I told them that they were wearing t-shirts, I didn't know if their jeans were ripped, and that Mr. Hartford usually wears a hat, please don't kick him out if he is!

At dinner was John Hartford, Bob Carlin, Larry Perkins, Chris Sharp (guitar player), myself and my wife Janet, whom John greeted with, "you know my first love's name was Janet", what a smooth talker! Mike Compton stayed on the bus to sleep; he had the first driving duties. We walked into the restaurant looking like bums! I loved it! John was unshaven, wearing his derby hat, t-shirt and an unbuttoned plaid flannel shirt. Bob had his porkpie hat on, jacket and the thinnest old plain white t-shirt, he promptly removed his jacket and hat, looking like he was sitting in his underwear! Larry had on bib-jeans and a sport coat, he is the most polite, mild-mannered gentleman of them all (he said goodbye to my wife with..."thank you Miss Janet for the most lovely evening"), Chris Sharp had on a black "Elderly Instruments" t-shirt and jeans.

At dinner, which lasted 3 hours, we had the most interesting conversations! Which I will try to summarize below:

-Bob Carlin mentioned how in a similar restaurant in New York he met Eric Clapton who came over to the table because he recognized John, whom he knew.

-I mentioned seeing a Ray Charles concert recently and how impressed I was, John told a story about when Ray was on the Smothers Brothers Show and how he could pick out someone in the orchestra who was out of tune or playing the wrong note.

-John greeting Ben Keith (renowned steel-guitar player) in a restaurant in Nashville, then realizing Ben was dining with Neil Young, John doesn't know Neil's music well, but is very good friends with someone who worked on one of his Nashville albums (I forget who John said his name was). The guy who worked on the album made the comment to John how they had done soooo many hours of takes and hadn't got a final cut yet, I said that I had heard that Neil Young was very particular about what is released on record, John said "he's weird!" Bob Carlin said, "Yea, he's real weird".

-John noticed my wife Janet's care in choosing a good wine and said, “I see you like good wine, do you smoke grass", she said, "I haven't in almost 20 years", he said, "I just started again after not smoking for 20 years." "It helps my appetite, and my cancer doctor said it was alright". Which lead into a long discussion on marijuana vs. marijuana pills, and all his old songs about marijuana. (John said his cancer is under control, that we're going to have him around for many more years.)

-John said Louis Armstrong was one of the biggest pot smokers, he told a story about walking in on a tuning and scale discussion between Norman Blake and Armstrong, and pot smoke rolling out of the dressing room. Armstrong played on a lot of the same Mississippi River showboats that John played on in the mid-sixties.

-Bob Carlin, who is the producer of Johns last four CDs, mentioned working on a "part II"of his 1971 album "Aero-plain", of which he has been going through old session tapes of cuts that Norman Blake, Tut Taylor, Vassar Clements and Randy Scruggs played on. He mentioned there's a song that John does not want on the "part II" release, I asked what, he said if John wants to tell you he will. John asked Janet's permission to use foul language. John said it's a song called "Smoke Shit and Fuck", it's about smoking pot and screwing. John then proceeded to sing a few verses! He said it's a place he was at almost 30 yrs ago and it just doesn't pertain any more, and he also feels that kind of language is uncalled for!
John said there's a version of "Presbyterian Guitar" with a rhythm section (mandolin etc ..), a "Vamp in the Middle" with only the vamp … Bob said, "doing that "Hey Jude" thing with it" … and there's a lot of bluegrass on tape that Bromberg (the producer) did not want on the original, he had a very specific vision of the first "Aero-Plain".

-John's family had property on Lake Michigan just south of Traverse City, by Beulah, which had been in the family for over a hundred years. The property was his grandfather's who he said was very well to do and a very religious man, he wasn't a minister but he hung out with ministers from the St.Louis area who went to a religious retreat up by Traverse City. He was almost in tears discussing how a cousin inherited it and wanted to sell it to him for way too much money, when he refused she sold it to someone else, he said there were a lot of memories there with his grandparents and was just heartbroken about it. (He said people think he has a lot more money than he actually has.)

-Bob Carlin mentioned how he collects Beatles bootlegs (I said you don't BUY them do you!) he said are you going to scold me if I do, which led to a discussion on taping of concerts (which John has no problem with, wish I would have known, I would have had the local sound board guy do a tape). I told him I collect audience recordings of concerts that are traded, not sold, and that I had a lot of Neil Young shows. Bob mentioned Neil Young's archives being delayed again, I mentioned how good the last tour was, he said he has seen him once, right after the "Trans" album was released and didn't like the show. Bob also mentioned the Buffalo Springfield box set (he obviously follows the man) John said, "Neil Young was in Buffalo Springfield wasn't he", which lead to a discussion on who all was in the band and other southern California country rock of the '60's, John mentioned the name of a band he was real familiar with from that era that I had never heard of. (John played on the Byrds "Sweetheart of the Rodeo" album.)

-John's children took him to the Sept. 8th Bob Dylan/Paul Simon concert in Antioch, Tenn., which is by Nashville. He enjoyed it.

-Son Jamey Hartford had a band called "The Musical Whores", and is currently playing with the Everly Bros.

-His daughter is married and lives in Texas.

-John and his wife love Victorian Magazine and their house is "filled with all that kind of shit". John and my wife had a lengthily discussion about "that kind of shit" that she also loves.

-He likes fusion jazz, John McLaughlin etc…we discussed Jean Luc Ponty (the fusion jazz violinist), he doesn't like his newer stuff, loves the album with the song "New Country" on it (Imaginary Voyage), and likes the song on that album that goes..(he makes the note sounds with his mouth..do..do..doo..etc..). I told him that the best concert I had ever heard and seen was Jean-Luc Ponty at Warriner Auditorium in Mt Pleasant in 1976, which lead to a discussion on small auditoriums and acoustics, John has played Warriner Auditorium.

-Frank Zappa was a little too far out for him, I mentioned that before he died he was working with the Chieftains. Celtic Zappa! He said that would have been interesting. (Jean-Luc Ponty played with Zappa in the early '70's)

-There was a long discussion by the band members about the French-Canadian reel they played called " Reel d'Issoudun ", a musical discussion on how it should be played; it was over my head! I did comment on how much I liked it! That my mother is 100% French-Canadian so it must be in my blood.

-Bob Carlin asked what my favorite Hartford album was, I told him "Old Long Bow". John said, "Bless you son, you just made me the happiest man in the world…that album I put more of myself into than anything I've done, we spent more than 4 years on that!" Bob asked what I like about it, I said it's just great pure kick-ass jamming! They said, "thank you!" Bob asked what album I like after that (he said to excuse his inquisitiveness, but as a producer it's rare when he gets a chance to question a serious fan of John's). I told him after "Old Long Bow" it would have to be "Mark Twain", it's the first Hartford album I bought over 20 years ago, it's a great album and has a lot of sentimental value also.

-Referring to the "My first loves name was Janet" statement, I asked if the song on the "Aero-Plain" album "The First Girl I Loved" was about a girl named Janet, he said no. His first TRUE loves name was Janet, that the song was about "when I was very young and it's actually about my cousin, you know the line in the song that goes"…he couldn't remember it right off so he sings from the beginning till he gets to “the laws of nature said forget it son" .. "that's what that means" he said. "I'm too close to the line as it is, you know I'm my own first cousin! My Grandmothers were related."

John handed me a 3x5 card and asked for my address and phone number, he then wrote out his address and phone number on a 3x5 and gave it to me. I also got to shake his hand, which he rarely allows people to do. The first time I approached him in 1998 for an autograph I offered my hand to him and he said he didn't shake hands but would be happy to “do-sa-do” me and offered his elbow to lock my elbow with like you would do square dancing, which I did and was probably more thrilled with that than a hand shake at the time. But it was now a great pleasure to finally shake his hand and look him in the eye and thank him for all the wonderful music!

On the drive back to the bus John was going through my CD's in my van and commented on:
-Natalie Mac Master ...she's a great Celtic fiddle player, see her live if you get a chance.
-Gillian Welch .... just had dinner with her last week.
-Steve Earle, the Mountain ..... the Roy Husky Jr. tribute cut was all overdubbed, non-of them were in the studio together.
-Bob Carlin checked out my 5-20-99 Neil Young at the Fox bootleg CD.

11:00 pm back at the bus Mike Compton is just waking up; John and Bob invite me in to get a signed poster of the band and to get a signed picture of John to take back to the restaurant. On the bus were old concert posters that caught my attention, I wish I could remember more about the place that John called home for a good portion of his life … on the road.

That's it in a nutshell ......... what a night!!"

WHEN THE BLOOD BEGINS TO FLOW

2010-04-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

HOLE FOUND IN FENCE AROUND NUDIST COLONY

2010-03-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

Police are looking into it.

PLANT PORN

2010-03-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

RIDE CAPTAIN RIDE UPON YOUR MYSTERY SHIP

2010-02-22T14:15:00.000-08:00

Trapped in time. Must their voyage, until now ever plunging forward, turn backward down memory lane? The crew was exhausted. They had spent what seemed like years plugging in the coordinates and the last time lateral motion through time was achieved was in Tennessee. They continued transcending space with no problem, zipping one multi-quadrant of space to the next, but something in the computer was shorting out when attempting to transcend time. Every portal they entered it was 2007. Our fearless warriors, will they return to NOW? Or will they forever pitch on nostalgia's endless maw? Crumpled and lost in a dusty corner of cyberspace; your captain's log:

LISTEN OR DOWNLOAD THE MEN OF MANY VICES SWEET BLOG

"conversations about lack of name-dropping and linearity of time:::log as follows:
621070130a:::swinging between mtn village and telluride:::rode gondola with darol anger, nick mallers, and the max kauffman, packmuling his painting supplies from the yonder show:::darol is dually skilled in identifying constellations:::
612070157aa:::kc mo:::we don't want airtime, we want all the time:::
317071115pp:::bears:::rewind to spring break and an empty club in a college town:::during road of bones, our space age microphones pick up the sound of dan coleman eating nachos back by the soundboard:::the chips sound great dan:::
712070215aa:::blacks market. diesel tv mike j payton jpeterson the de, pd in full. busking:::
622070330aa:::taco stand telluride our sensors spot adam duritz:::
616071750pp:::overlooking bear valley:::waiting around:::
714072030pp:::overlooking lake monroe on metal in the microwave's live in pompei type stage:::the house built here will be built on rock n roll:::the zion starship takes off:::swampy late night picking on porch of a trailer:::tv mike walks into a lake:::
618070330aa:::the plunge. mallers and i drink upland beers at the condo and write songs:::the monkeys are pleased and we await the return of samantha simon to hear the new hits:::
703071201aa:::the drive to work the next morning, as expected, is a rough one. stop at truckstop to purchase a fresh kentucky t-shirt in lieu of showering:::recorded live outback in 2007 at acoustic coffeehouse, johnson city, tn mastered at in the pocket studios by michael scully; ryan deasy, bass, vocals; mike lindeau, fiddle, vocals; nick mallers, drums, vocals; toby oler, banjo, vocals 1,3,10 :traditional 2 :deasy/oler 4,6,9,11,12:oler 5,7,8 :deasy 12 recorded wfhb 2007 "

IT REALLY WAS A DELICIOUS WEEK

2010-02-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

photos: Kevin McHugh

MY FRIENDS DO AWESOME STUFF: SPRING IS THAT YOU

2010-02-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

Spring is that you? It's gotta be the reappearance of the sun or Andrew Conklin's new album If I Were More Like You that has me all loked out. I saw Andrew perform-a this fresh batch of tunes at the sweet BlueSix Acoustic Room in the Mission a couple weeks ago. I haven't been able to stop singing Jaguar to myself and everybody else since.

YOUR SEATS ARE DOWN THIS AISLE BUT TONIGHT YOU WILL ONLY NEED THE EDGE

2010-02-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

BUY TICKETS
Friday Feb 19

San Francisco Bluegrass & Old-Time Festival
Shelby Ash's Bluegrass Bonanza

The Earl Brothers
The Dalton Mountain Gang
Forest Fires

at Plough & Stars 116 Clement Street (between 2nd and 3rd) San Francisco, CA

http://sfbluegrass.org
http://www.earlbrothers.com
http://www.daltonmountaingang.com
510-339-1872
BUY TICKETS

SOMETIMES TROUBLE JUST FOLLOWS A MAN LIVE - THE NASHVILLE KNIVES

2010-01-04T14:02:00.001-08:00

Recorded in Indiana in 2008 and 2009. Barry Elkins sings classic bluegrass. Look for more come summer.

1. They Call It That Good Ol' Mountain Dew (trad.)
2. Love Please Come Home (Leon Jackson)
3. Southern Flavor>Columbus Stockade Blues (Bill Monroe, trad.)
4. Love of the Mountains (Allen Mills)
5. Big Spike Hammer (Pete Goble, Bobby Osbourne)
6. Rollin' In My Sweet Baby's Arms (trad.)
7. The Ballad of Hollis Brown (Bob Dylan) *Mike Lindeau, fiddle
8. Barefoot Nellie, You're the One for Me (trad.)

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

The Nashville Knives are Dan Bilger, guitar, Ryan Deasy, bass, Barry Elkins, mandolin, vocals, and Toby Oler, banjo.

INTERNET POLLUTION

2009-11-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

The new TV Mike & the Scarecrowes album Spittin' in Cursive made the East Bay Express's Best of 09 list.

"With Devendra Banhart, the Freight & Salvage, and Hardly Strictly Bluegrass commanding national spotlights, why shouldn't the Bay Area be a bastion of self-styled folk revivalism? But a banjo and a stash of Pete Seeger records does not a 21st-century folkie make. There must be a broader vision — something to warrant trotting out the old familiar tropes. Rooted as surely in the West Oakland warehouse that frontman TV Mike calls home as in the timeless continuum from Seeger to John Fogerty to the Avett Brothers, TV Mike & the Scarecrowes excel on vision and execution alike. Part string band, part cow-punk (at times recalling fellow locals the Trainwreck Riders), and gently transcendent through and through, their debut reveals no shortage of ideas, nor of skill to see them through. The whole thing, from TV Mike's alluring drawl to Toby Oler's slow-stepping banjo, resonates to a frequency all its own. (Brave Scarecrow Records)" Nate Seltenrich

INTERNET POLLUTION

WELL IF NOTHING EVER CHANGED

2009-09-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

IF IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT, IT'S GOTTA BE FORTHRITE

2009-09-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Forthrite Printing. Another one of Oakland's finest. When this fine print shop, helmed by Connor Ottenweller, isn't screening t-shirts, book covers or album arts for the likes of Odd Nosdam, Bre'r, or the Painted Cakes, he's popping out posters like these below.

IF IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT, IT'S GOTTA BE FORTHRITE
FORTHRITE PRINTING
info@forthriteprinting.com
510.923.1544
5857 San Pablo Ave, Oakland

THESE ARE THE ROOTS OF RHYTHM AND THE ROOTS OF RHYTHM REMAIN

2009-09-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

The kitchen where I sit and write this is very real. Before me a table. Behind me a barrelhouse piano that has been turned into a speaker cabinet for the record player. That was a fun night. The laptop running out of battery. If you could have made a time lapse video of the majority of my encounters with Evan Francis I would have been sitting on this bench. That's not to say I don't go places, but its where I like to sit. Your video would show Evan, blurred and suited, horn in hand, buzzing in from rehearsals and whizzing out for gigs. You could slow the video to see stills of Evan eating spinach straight from the bag or calling upon science. If you checked the timecode, the single pattern that emerges is that it keeps happening, expanding exponentially according to logarithms I don't quite have a handle on yet. Day or night. Piling on the gigs. The man stays busy.

And, for a reason. As one of the consigliere in the local SF Jazz Mafia, Evan Francis leads his six piece Spaceheater's Blast Furnace crew as well as holding down a chair in the flute, clarinet, and sax sections of other mafia incarnations in their self-described "sonic jihad." You can catch Spaceheater's Blast Furnace at Yoshi's SF the first Tuesday of the month or at their record release show September 29th at the Independent hosted by Bay Area rap icon Lyrics Born. The name is no lie; these players make bikram yoga look like making snow angels.

Spaceheater's Blast Furnace new self-titled album is the musical equivalent of being on deck, stepping up to the plate, and rounding first base all at the same time. The CD confidently shapeshifts between danceable afro-latin and hip hop rhythms, icy cool melodic lines, and playground jazz often with an unexpected warmth and immediacy. If I were you I'd download that shit right now and make funky in the cube this morning while you're refreshing drudgereport and salivating over your fantasy football team. After that, make your way over to jazzmafia.com and see what else mama's cookin'.

thanks to Lauren Stower (photos)

TV MIKE & HIS MAGIC ELIXIR

2009-08-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

It walks, it talks
crawls on its belly like a reptile
come one come all
look! it's growing hair on a billiards ball
with a scent so salacious
its offensive yet gracious
told my tongue a tawdry tale
the packaging, it was chosen well

I hear it ferments in churches!
It's smuggled through borders!
if I could finish the first jar
the second is ordered
it's a potion so potent
the purveyor's verboten
told my tongue a tawdry tale
the packaging, it was chosen well

the first sip led me to a hole in the wall
on tiptoes I barely stretched to see it at all
the crowd was all anxious, dim lights were aglow
the chatter died down as they started the show
here I stand outside a place in France
the pretty girls are only starting to dance
the second sip paints a clearer picture
of TV Mike and his magic elixir

REPOST FOR THE DECEASED

2009-08-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

repost from last year in honor of Marvin, R.I.P. 08/09/2009

HOW TO SIDELINE A MULE
I wouldn't say I grew up with mules plural. We had one, Marvin, and briefly two, but she died while giving birth. One day a trailer from Nebraska pulled into the drive, backed up to the calf barn and dropped her off, heavy with colt. Marvin would bray from the adjoining lot and drag his dick on the ground. With age, he has mellowed. I learned that, like all animals, including us, if you feed him, Marvin will be your friend. Some mornings, Marvin will nudge his feedpan out under the gate as a gentle reminder. He still serves as a combination rooster/watchdog.

I remember Dad tying headstrong little steers to Marvin to break them to halter. It was an entertaining tandem. If the mule wanted to drink, they would get to drink. Same for eating and generally anything else. If the mule wanted to. Stepping out of line meant getting donkeybit along the ridge of the neck or kicked. A day or two on the mule's schedule was enough to strip a young calf of its' will.

But how to break a mule, an animal long noted for its stubbornness? On smokebreak near Council Bluffs, Iowa, an old horsetrainer just told me. It's called sidelining.

How to Sideline a Mule:

1. Attach one end of the rope, noose-style, around any of the mule's legs. Pull it tight. The best place is the joint just above the hoof. A sheepskin or leather tie is best because nylon can break the mule's skin.

2. Pull up on the leg and once it is raised and bent at an angle approaching 90 degrees, tie the other end of the rope around the mules neck. The mule is now rendered three-legged. As soon as they lose balance, they lose confidence.

3. After your mule has fallen over, place a tarp over it. Make sure it is completely dark under there. Give it a couple hours.

4. Remove the tarp. Your mule will be a blank slate. And always carry a knife like this in case something goes wrong.

TOBY OLER IS TRYING TO KILL ME

2009-08-12T12:10:00.001-07:00

Come enjoy the fruits of your toils with TV Mike and the Scarecrowes over Labor Day up in Mendo. Also, Painted Cakes, Quinn, Little Wings and a smattering of the west coast's finest. Screenings of two awesome documentaries, Dear and Yonder, girls and surfing, and No Deposit No Return Blues, a Sandy Bull biography. Fifty bucks for two days including some meals. Lots of microbrews on tap. September 5th and 6th. Hit me up if you want to caravan, there is a hefty Oakland contingent heading up that way. If you would like a heavy dosage of fun, this might be your flavor.

For Tickets, Directions, and more info
CLICK HERE

FREESTYLE RAP BATTLE CHAMP 2009 HIT ME

2009-08-11T17:01:00.001-07:00

my name is chris, I love roast beef
I got a peppercorn stuck in my teef
to save my cheddar I eat at home
the sound of me chewing is my new ringtone
hit me

THATS NOT A PARK ITS A PARKING LOT

2009-07-30T16:10:00.001-07:00

THIS ONE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN!

2009-07-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

A Decent Animal
TV Mike and the Scarecrowes
Thank You
Cafe Du Nord
2174 Market (b/t 14th and Sanchez)
9 pm
$10

This one's gonna be a lot of fun. TV Mike and the Scarecrowes should go on around ten.

I WOULD TELL YOU IF YOU WERE MY DOCTOR

2009-07-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

Quinn is an Oakland, CA guitar rock trio that sounds like they did their homework. Their self-titled EP opens up with the spooky "I Don't See You Anymore" which about two minutes in completes the warm wet slide from heartfelt indie rock plea into Beatle-esque timing shifts and counter-melodic lines. Quinn features Nate Brenner on drums, the nexus of the connection between a circle of Oberlin College alumni and Indiana musicians. If you were to join me in constructing a Venn Diagram of the two, together we would see an ever increasing overlap to the point of impending concentricity. Brenner uses his drums like a theater manager uses effective set design and lighting, bringing out the flash only when it calls for it in the script.

My highlight is Andrew Conklin's "Doctor" which comes strutting in like it owns the place. Guitarist Emery Barter hovers above musical touchstones like a UFO, suspended briefly and cemented into your brainpan before jetting off to collect the next specimen. "Dangerous Miss," begins like a swanky toss-off Bond theme, brings out Matt Nelson, suspected affiliate of the San Francisco Jazz Mafia and known Warriors fan, to touch on some Morphine saxophone territory before time-traveling into a section that dares to call on your suspension of disbelief as Quinn welcomes you to THE carribbean retro lounge of the future, replete with alien and terrestrial scat singing and technicolor fizzy umbrella drinks brought directly to your floating table. Haaayyyyy. Closing it down with an obvious harbinger of their future direction, "Soul" uses a modern indie/r&b synthy guitar line as a catchy point of departure into velvety hinterlands of their choosing.

Click to Download Quinn EP

Check them out live:
8/5 Portland, OR TBA
8/6 Tacoma, WA The Den *early*
8/6 Tacoma, WA Doyle's Public House *late*
8/7 Olympia, WA ABC House
8/8 Seattle, WA Cafe Racer
8/9 Eugene, OR Sam Bond's Garage

Or Check them out online:
www.quinnsounds.com
http://www.myspace.com/quinnsounds

MY FRIENDS DO AWESOME STUFF

2009-07-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

My friends do awesome stuff. I'll start posting more of it. Above is the art of one Mr. Max Kauffman, a current Denver-ite and Hoosier ex-pat, who has the ability to please women with only a glance. I would just post our last g-chat here as an example of the man's inherent genius but I would fear for your soft parts and their exposure to the terrifying shrapnel of truth.

Above is a piece inspired by Buckydomes. If you would like to see this little slice of ocular heaven levitating on your very own wall, please send me Three Thousand Dollars in American Currency. No sequential bills. No bills from the bottom. No dyepaks. The money, and I mean all the money, will be put to good use to outfit Max's new batcave-style "Art Grotto." The whiskey fountain is nearing completion. Act fast.

Seriously. There are no chairs in here yet. We are sitting on stacked case after case of Diet Mountain Dew. If Max ends up with bad posture, that will be on your conscience, dear reader. So to recap, we have: Pleasuring women with merely a glance; Buckydomes; and the new batcave-style "Art Grotto," of which I will be released from if I can come up with three thousand dollars. HELP!

CLASSIC ROCK RADIO RUN & HIDE

2009-06-09T11:49:00.001-07:00

A Matthew Lundquist Production

featuring

Ben Andrews

Christopher Padgett

Connor O'Sullivan

Elliot Peck

Matthew Lundquist

Melissa McGinley

Nate Brenner

Rob Schwartz

Toby Oler

Supposedly inspired by a dream visit from singer Matt Lundquist’s great-great-grand-uncle Otto, this rollicking tribute to the old days is classic Americana. Boozy, twangy, and often rather funny — this is what country sounded like before it went pop, when it still had the blues. - EAST BAY EXPRESS

The Lost Songs of Otto Mobile was recorded to 1” analog tape in the summer of 2008 at House of Faith studios in Oakland, California.

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD
The Lost Songs of Otto Mobile
>

OH NO THE LAST POST CALCIFIED

2009-06-06T14:25:00.001-07:00

oh no the last post calcified

HOW IT IS BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN

2009-02-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

the moon was full, he felt the pull and wandered from the hunt

his father called and brothers all, yes we will find my son

oh brother lost oh brother oh a vale of trees he found

oh brother lost oh brother climbed in high above the ground

tightly squeezed through thorny trees, he saw a pool there

in it a maiden bathing and the moonlight draped her hair

oh brother lost oh brother oh she hadn't on a stitch

oh brother lost oh brother let a whistle from his lips

stillness breached she could not reach up to her folded dress

oh his eyes burned she quickly turned and soaked him with a splash

oh brother lost oh brother oh all wet and in a daze

oh brother lost oh brother oh it did not break his gaze

if luck befell, you're free to tell you saw me in the nude

now afright, the moon alight, his feet grew into hooves

oh brother lost oh brother antlers sprouting from his crown

oh brother lost oh brother now he's scared and off he bounds

o'er hills and logs, the bark of dogs lends him to a breath

he turns to shout, come get me out, but his mouth the message kept

oh brother lost oh brother oh they're gaining on you now

oh brother lost oh brother chased down by the hounds

father yelled, my boys be well, our hounds have found a stag

although one less, our god has blessed and filled our hunting bag

oh brother lost oh brother oh we search unto the dawn

oh brother lost oh brother oh yes we will find my son

quoncunque jeceris stabit

WORD OF THE DAY: LASSITUDE

2009-02-20T12:42:00.000-08:00

[las-i-tood, -tyood]

–noun 1.weariness of body or mind from strain, oppressive climate etc.; lack of energy; listlessness; languor.
-noun 2.a condition of indolent indifference
Origin:
1525–35; < L lassitūdō weariness, equiv. to lass(us) weary + -i- -i- + -tūdō -tude

Our story begins in the mind of a writer. Inside this writer's mind lay a vast depository of letters, numbers and symbols commonly strung together to form words and the words strung together to form sentences. This writer strings together sentences to form paragraphs and the resulting paragraphs are then sold on a piecework basis to the Economist.

The second paragraph starts with me biting my nails and waiting on an elevator. I am in the Federal Reserve, where I replaced a machine, and I am taking the mail to Janet Yellen. I am drinking your coffee and I am reading the Economist. The word lassitude catches my eye and my brain will not come up with a matching definition. I try to continue flipping through the magazine, perusing, gorging myself on events over which I have no control. Alas, I cannot. I must know.

Our third paragraph has me continuing through the building, floor by floor, catching peoples' eye and asking them if they know the definition of "lassitude." Classic icebreaker. I give the example in context. Only one, of maybe thirty, hazards a guess. Very few even reckon. The blank eyes of the chronically indifferent. Almost all silent and stone faced.

I find myself alone in the elevator thinking is there a name for this state of languor? This lack of energy or these weary eyes? With spring just around the corner; will I come back to life? What do you make of these lines that keep appearing on my face? Is this environment not suitable for neurons to fritter and synapses to fire? What is this state of indifference; this stasis; this?

Some questions just never get answered.

OPEN!NG UP TEH MAILS

2009-02-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

dear toby,

i had a dream last night:

i was playing bass for guns and roses on this enormous stage in front of thousands of people. before we went on, axel gave me a piece of paper with all the changes for all the songs. when we got on stage, i had lost the paper, didn't have the changes. the stage was so big that the other band members were literally a hundred yards or more away, so i could barely see them. i couldn't hear my bass at all in the monitors but the soundman behind me kept yelling that it was fine on the house speakers. so the throngs could hear what i was playing but i couldn't. therefore i had no idea if what i was playing was right. i kept playing in A and hoping for the best, thinking someone would surely tell me if i was out of key. no one did. the soundman in my dreams probably just turned me down in the mix. fucker.

yr friend,
chris m

Well Chris M.,

You did the right thing.

Toby

VOICEMAIL EXPERIMENT #46: THE FAN THAT DISPELS THE SMOKE AROUND ACTION

2009-01-29T23:30:00.000-08:00

Left for me Friday January 16th 3:16 pm EST

"I could just see you sitting at some workbench, like, meticulously and manically, you know, fashioning this lure, you know, like, up for days, refusing sleep and food and everything all in the quest of fashioning the perfect lure to catch this perfect fucking fish. That it's probably no longer even about the fish, really. It's probably about something in you now. And, uh, probably something that you gotta prove, or something left undone...On some level, probably something as simple as can you catch it –still? Can you have it if you want it –still? Can you you gain some kind of unseen upper hand that doesn't really exist, you know? You gotta ask yourself, man, whats it all really about? What are you really trying to do, man? Clarify your intent in one sentence. If you can come with one sentence thats not bullshit that is, you know, no, you know, bullshit about it. One sentence on your true intent, with this situation, I think that'd be very, very useful to you and I would love to hear that sentence when you get it. And don't make it a fucking compound sentence or a runon sentence or any kind of bullshit. I'm talking about one sentence. I may allow one comma, depending on the use of the comma, but nothing more. So. And then you know, further, I think, if we could, you know, in any situation whittle our intent down to one non-bullshit laden sentence; I think thats a good thing. Find the sentence. I wanna hear the sentence. Maybe help me find my sentence. Fuck. This. Bullshit. Take care, brother."

SO I NEVER LEARNT MY AA BB CC'S

2009-01-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

Adam's Apple
Baby Bottle
Carbon Copy
Drug Drawer
Electric Eel
Fatal Flaw
Good Graces
Half-Hearted

NASHVILLE KNIVES DOWNLOAD

2009-01-11T19:44:00.000-08:00

The Nashville Knives feature "Picker" Dan Bilger on guitar, Ryan Deasy on bass, Barry Elkins on mandolin, and Toby Oler on banjo.
01. Heartbreak
02. Barefoot Nellie
03. When I Swam Across the World (Becky Levi featuring the Nashville Knives)
04. Southern Flavor>Columbus Stockade Blues
05. Slewfoot
06. Foggy Mountain Special>White Freightliner Blues
07. Stealin' Hearts
08. Hard Times
Click for Download

LAST POST OF 2008 VOICEMAIL EXPERIMENT #45

2008-12-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

left for me on
nov 30 12:37 pm Eastern Time

"The man looks at me and he says, 'life is like making sausage.' He says, 'you take some good shit, some real good shit, but you also take some real bad shit, like teeth and bone, but also good shit like meat. See, you take the whole range of shit from the really nasty fucked up shit to all the way to the really good shit and you grind it. Ok. And its work. The grinding is work. Its a process to take all the shit and you combine it into one thing, ok, into one thing that's not fucking fantastic, but its decent. It's good to have, you know what I'm saying. It's not steak. It's not fucking prime rib. But it's better than nothing and it's ok on crackers with some mustard, you know what I'm saying?'

“So often we ponder life. What is it? Is it good? Is it bad? What is it? Well, you know what? It's some really good shit. It's some bad shit. Its some fantastic shit and some bullshit. But once we grind, and if we grind, and the grinding's not easy, mind you, but if we continue to grind; the finished whole that we will get is something that is better than nothing. It's decent.

"So I had to listen this dumbass for, like, two hours to get this sausage making metaphor, but I got it and I think thats why I was there is to get this. So...today, thats what we're working with; life is like making fucking sausage. Ok, and ultimately, that metaphor gives you somewhat an optimistic look on life, cause like I said, what you get what you get when your done is ok, it's not great but it's ok. Such is life.

"So we've got performing above the median. We've got life is like making sausage and I'll tell you, that's really, you know, all I'm working with so far this morning. Uhh, its pretty early here. I've only been out of bed for about forty five minutes. Uhh, my hair does look pretty fantastic, so I got that going for me. Also, got some new sunglasses on. I'm feeling pretty good about that. It's super overcast here, but you know me and sunglasses, plus I got new ones, so I'm totally fucking wearing 'em."

THE RETURN OF CHRILISSA: THE TWO HEADED MONSTER

2008-11-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

The Stereofidelics are a multi-instrumental martial arts indie jazzrock duo that fights in the style of the octopus. North Carolina's own Chris Padgett and Melissa Mcginley are two of my favorite buddies to pick with and could tell a lot of stories on but won't. They recorded their debut album, Only Sleeping, at their mountainside chateau and music compound, complete with bidet at 2200 feet above sea level, Nowhere Studios. While on tour on the west coast last summer, Chris and Melissa got to lay down some tracks on Matt Lundquist's upcoming Otto Mobile album along with some of the Bay Area's finest. They are probably coming to your town soon, so check out their tour dates at www.thestereofidelics.com or at www.myspace.com/thestereofidelics.

download link for Only Sleeping

Tracklist:

1. Shadows in the Shade

2. Black Elephants

3. Seen and Unseen

4. Rhinoplexia

5. Shine

6. E Reze Nu Como

7. Spanish Radio

8. You, Me & Everyone We Knew

9. Only Sleeping

I'M THINKING

2008-11-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

Kevin is up early and leaving for Japan

he left me in care of his room and two pairs of his pants

after closer inspection, the denim's fit was true

but tonight I wore the black ones and I'm thinking of you

KEV,

I wrote this poem after finding two pairs of pants underneath your old bed. They're mine and I'm wearing them as I type this. We have decided to keep the doors deadbolted from January 5th through the 9th. I spent an entire day sharpening bamboo poles for booby traps. Please consider this your warning to stay the fuck out of Oakland.

Safe travels,

Yr friend Toby

THE NEVER DONE NARCOTIC

2008-11-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

It's the never done narcotic.

This gift to man from science

lasts a lifetime, plus or minus.

Now we all have steady focus

and I'll tell you where we got it;

It's the never done narcotic.

It eliminates redundancy

so start with scrubbing one for me

get down on your hands and knees

that that's a moving sponge I see

must scrub until all space is free

scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub

until time is occupied by none

and if I spy a dusty speck,

a spotted pook, a paltry fleck

I'll tell you, if there is a single one

that our work here is never done.

It's the never done narcotic.

BARRIO TENEMENTS

2008-11-01T21:33:00.001-07:00

Hello November.

IN THE RING, THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL

2008-10-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Be still. I'm having a hard time heeding my own advice which is a common human dilemma. Static energy is beginning to collect in my synapses and manifesting itself physically as restlessness and bedhead. I have already tidied up the garden and the kitchen and the sun isn't even out but the coffee mugs are.

My buddy and I are months deep in an experiment going where we mostly communicate through voicemails. One time though speaking live, he turned his verbal firehose (in true crowd control style) on another friend of ours who won't answer his phone calls. I tried to pee on the fire by suggesting that our buddy was in on the voicemail experiment where it would be a punishable offense to pick up the phone. Never would he pick up your call. In the true interest of science. Be Still. His heart is pure.

ORIGINS OF TIME EXPLAINED?

2008-10-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

ONE FOR THE TREBLE

I paid. The Pakistani behind the counter tersely bid me good day and turned back to the flatscreen where the volume was already cranked on his Bourne Supremacy DVD. He was moments away from the good part. I don't know if he realized it or not. As I walked back out onto Telegraph, I got the distinct impression that everything was alright.

TWO FOR THE BASS

Moments away from the good part.

HOW TO SIDELINE A MULE

2008-10-02T23:39:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't say I grew up with mules plural. We had one, Marvin, and briefly two, but she died while giving birth. One day a trailer from Nebraska pulled into the drive, backed up to the calf barn and dropped her off, heavy with colt. Marvin would bray from the adjoining lot and drag his dick on the ground. With age, he has mellowed. I learned that, like all animals, including us, if you feed him, Marvin will be your friend. Some mornings, Marvin will nudge his feedpan out under the gate as a gentle reminder. He still serves as a combination rooster/watchdog.

I remember Dad tying headstrong little steers to Marvin to break them to halter. It was an entertaining tandem. If the mule wanted to drink, they would get to drink. Same for eating and generally anything else. If the mule wanted to. Stepping out of line meant getting donkeybit along the ridge of the neck or kicked. A day or two on the mule's schedule was enough to strip a young calf of its' will.

But how to break a mule, an animal long noted for its stubbornness? On smokebreak near Council Bluffs, Iowa, an old horsetrainer just told me. It's called sidelining.

How to Sideline a Mule:

Attach one end of the rope, noose-style, around any of the mule's legs. Pull it tight. The best place is the joint just above the hoof. A sheepskin or leather tie is best because nylon can break the mule's skin.

Pull up on the leg and once it is raised and bent at an angle approaching 90 degrees, tie the other end of the rope around the mules neck. The mule is now rendered three-legged. As soon as they lose balance, they lose confidence.

After your mule has fallen over, place a tarp over it. Make sure it is completely dark under there. Give it a couple hours.

Remove the tarp. Your mule will be a blank slate. And always carry a knife like this in case something goes wrong.

I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AND IT DAWNED ON ME

2008-09-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

LIKE ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE PUNCHING BAGS WITH A WEIGHT IN THE BOTTOM

2008-09-18T13:14:00.002-07:00

11 am is too early for this. I want to go back home and crawl into bed with my girlfriend. Maybe I’ll go poach some bagels from another floor and then we can begin evicting the unknown. Yeah. Bypass the elevator and just up the stairs. Silently. Yes. Nothing happening here. The echoes of my footsteps dying in an empty hallway. Maybe its time to take the hit and reboot. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s go outside.

YOU STILL GOT SOME DRIVING TO DO

2008-09-18T13:14:00.001-07:00

GETTING UP TO SPEED

2008-09-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

Monday, August 04, 2008

It’s time.

I'm on the fifty eighth floor. I've already met my team, mostly young professional women, and been shown the bathrooms and canteen. There I acquired a quarter of a bagel, cut it in half with a plastic knife, applied cream cheese and then consumed it whilst stirring the half and half into my coffee. Temping again. It is 11:37 am and I am waiting. On something and I am not clear on what it is, but there is a certain sense of something impending. My emergency kit lies before me. It is a stylish orange pouch with a yellow reflecting stripe sealed tightly with Velcro. As I tear open the Velcro, the quiet of the office is disturbed with that unmistakable ripping sound. I spill the contents onto my desk. This pouch, obviously sold after the 9-11 doom boom, contains:
1 3M Model number 8233 Respirator/Particle Mask
1 Silver Flashlight containing two generic and expired Double A batteries.
1 Hermetically sealed packet of "Emergency Drinking Water"
1 Emergency Survival Blanket 84 inches wide by 52 inches long This blanket retains personal body heat and can be used as ground cover as well as a signaling device for air support.
1 Small battery operated AM/FM radio with earbud headphones
1 Glowstick
1 Whistle, orange.
I fight the urge to again disrupt the eerie quiet of the office and put the whistle away. After closing my emergency pouch and placing it in the bottom drawer, I begin to wait. The IT guys, in their blue shirts, were pining for the addition of a small flagon of whiskey to the survival pouch. I was reluctant to agree although inside I wanted to. Just as I hate mentioning my severe and articulate lust for playing the banjo at job interviews; I don't like to be pegged as a whiskey drinker on the first morning of the job. Nevertheless, I filed away the idea of picking up a few of those plastic shot bottles of a fine bourbon at a nearby liquor store and placing them in my survival pouch. Better safe than sorry.

2 hours ago, I spied a roach on the floor of the receptionist's office. I was waiting to meet Nicole from HR. It was as big as my thumb and headed towards the door. The receptionist, filling in for Imelda who is out on vacation, swiftly blamed the fresh flowers and made a call and two foreign men in pastel polo shirts and walkie talkies in holsters came and disposed of the intruder. He came up through floorboard, they said, we are remodeling the suite below. There is no cause for alarm. If there are any other problems, you know how to reach us.